Hysteria

Hi Dear Readers,

While I want my posts to be honest, I don't want them too heavy. We all have enough weight to carry on our own, am I right? Sometimes I can be funny (quite on accident), so as I share my woes, I will endeavor to crack a smile or squeeze a snicker if I can!

I promised to recount Act I of "The Nervous Breakdown." First of all, even though I am a trained professional counselor in mental health, I never really believed those things existed. It was easier to believe that some people were just melodramatic and/or weak. Well, open mouth and insert foot, because I learned my lesson! It's really quite embarrassing to admit that I didn't even notice the warning signs, despite my training and years of experience. It was the ANXIETY that pushed me over the edge. I capitalize that nasty word because when suffering with it, it feels like it's crushing you as it's staring you in the face. 

It began at night. I couldn't sleep, though exhausted. The second my head hit the pillow, my heart would pound drums in my ears, I could feel blood coursing through my veins, and I could not reign in the cyclone of thoughts and worries that pummeled through my brain. I'm sure you have had a night or two like that? Tack on months of no sleep and stress (whether good or bad) and my mornings began to suffer. I became so debilitated, I literally could not lift my head up from my pillow. I felt like dead weight super-glued to the mattress. Initially, I could break paralysis and manage to get to work (usually late). But soon, I couldn't even accomplish that. The anxiety fed on itself and grew into this monster bigger and stronger than me. I was afraid of everything. Afraid to go to bed (because I couldn't sleep), afraid to wake up (because of the paralysis), afraid of work (because I was barely functioning), afraid to drive (because sleep deprivation and anxiety are a deadly cocktail on the Cajon Pass), just plain afraid. But of course, I kept thinking, this will get better. I will get better. 

I got worse. My depression naturally deepened as I continually lost control. But keep in mind, I truly believed this would just "get better." I thought it was a phase and that I could eventually control this rollercoaster. After suffering with horrendous TMJ in my jaw for years, I had jaw surgery in November and spent my holidays with my mouth wired shut. I had researched beforehand everything I could about the surgery and knew that it was pretty hectic. But nothing prepared me for the emotional, mental, and physical toll it would take. Without gory details, let's just say that I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. While my mouth was out of order, I ended a relationship AND bought a house! Apparently, I am a glutton for punishment who loves to multi-task. And while buying my house was a huge blessing, it's part of that (good) stress that often intermingles with the bad. 

Returning to work only worsened things. I don't want to get specific, but I was dealing with some unsavory situations that exponentially triggered my anxiety and depression. But, "Just deal with it" has been a historic family motto and I intended to live by it. And I probably would have lasted until June if not for the month of April...