Hysteria

Hi Dear Readers,

While I want my posts to be honest, I don't want them too heavy. We all have enough weight to carry on our own, am I right? Sometimes I can be funny (quite on accident), so as I share my woes, I will endeavor to crack a smile or squeeze a snicker if I can!

I promised to recount Act I of "The Nervous Breakdown." First of all, even though I am a trained professional counselor in mental health, I never really believed those things existed. It was easier to believe that some people were just melodramatic and/or weak. Well, open mouth and insert foot, because I learned my lesson! It's really quite embarrassing to admit that I didn't even notice the warning signs, despite my training and years of experience. It was the ANXIETY that pushed me over the edge. I capitalize that nasty word because when suffering with it, it feels like it's crushing you as it's staring you in the face. 

It began at night. I couldn't sleep, though exhausted. The second my head hit the pillow, my heart would pound drums in my ears, I could feel blood coursing through my veins, and I could not reign in the cyclone of thoughts and worries that pummeled through my brain. I'm sure you have had a night or two like that? Tack on months of no sleep and stress (whether good or bad) and my mornings began to suffer. I became so debilitated, I literally could not lift my head up from my pillow. I felt like dead weight super-glued to the mattress. Initially, I could break paralysis and manage to get to work (usually late). But soon, I couldn't even accomplish that. The anxiety fed on itself and grew into this monster bigger and stronger than me. I was afraid of everything. Afraid to go to bed (because I couldn't sleep), afraid to wake up (because of the paralysis), afraid of work (because I was barely functioning), afraid to drive (because sleep deprivation and anxiety are a deadly cocktail on the Cajon Pass), just plain afraid. But of course, I kept thinking, this will get better. I will get better. 

I got worse. My depression naturally deepened as I continually lost control. But keep in mind, I truly believed this would just "get better." I thought it was a phase and that I could eventually control this rollercoaster. After suffering with horrendous TMJ in my jaw for years, I had jaw surgery in November and spent my holidays with my mouth wired shut. I had researched beforehand everything I could about the surgery and knew that it was pretty hectic. But nothing prepared me for the emotional, mental, and physical toll it would take. Without gory details, let's just say that I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. While my mouth was out of order, I ended a relationship AND bought a house! Apparently, I am a glutton for punishment who loves to multi-task. And while buying my house was a huge blessing, it's part of that (good) stress that often intermingles with the bad. 

Returning to work only worsened things. I don't want to get specific, but I was dealing with some unsavory situations that exponentially triggered my anxiety and depression. But, "Just deal with it" has been a historic family motto and I intended to live by it. And I probably would have lasted until June if not for the month of April...

Chapter 2

First, I would like to thank everyone who showered me with encouragement and kindness! I am so humbled to have such lovely Readers!

Second, I would like to quickly elaborate on why I'm here. This isn't just about "free therapy" (although it serves that function nicely). I'm here to discuss mental illness. Because it is mental illness that has created many detours in my "grand plan" for life. And it is mental illness that continues to be misunderstood and taboo. If you, Dear Reader, do not endure mental illness yourself, I would be willing to bet you know someone who does. Hopefully I can shed light, share insight, and maybe even help a friend or two along the way.

So, back to my story. While working at an elementary school, I was lucky to meet some amazing people who helped me find a new path. A year and a half later, I left the University of Redlands with a Masters in School Counseling and an awesome best friend. That fall, I began my career as a Counselor at Goodwill Education Center. I found my calling. I loved working with my continuation high school students. These kids, cast off and judged as "bad" and "hopeless," have been some of the most amazing people I have ever been privileged to educate. The cherry on top was my co-Counselor Lora, who continues to be my partner-in-crime and super-fun travel buddy! But those six years were full of as much turmoil as joy. Without being too specific (I'm not here to blame or call-out anyone), there were times I struggled going to work. We all know how detrimental stress can be... well I found out the hardest way possible. It built up slowly; so slowly I never noticed it. Then my world was ripped apart.

My father died April 12, 2011. Two weeks later, my grandmother followed. I had never experienced loss so close to my heart and I was ill-prepared for that shock. In swooped Depression and Anxiety. Although I have suffered Clinical Depression since the age of 12, I didn't recognize the degree to which I encountered then. I was in a whole new league. Add stress at work and I welcomed my first of two "nervous breakdowns." I'll get into that more later though...

Fast forward to now-ish. I left my beautiful home and moved back in with Mom. I couldn't fathom her living alone now that the two people she cared for full-time were gone. Then last year my district laid off 8 counselors due to budget constraints and I was lucky number 7 on the seniority list.

But I honestly can't complain. In fact, I am quite blessed and try to remember that every day. I live with my best friend and in my childhood home, surrounded by warmth, love, memories, and lots of pets! I still own my home, I just don't live IN it. I can still afford (barely) to pay my bills and entertain my simple pleasures. I have freedom and no regrets. Best of all, I have been blessed with TIME. Time to think, to plan, to dream, to grow, to learn, to discover, to heal, and to forge a new life. So yes, technically I am "lost" if looking at my life on paper. But with God in control, I really can't be too far gone. I've just "wandered" off a little...

There's my life in a nutshell. Stay tuned if hearing about a nervous breakdown peaks your interest  ;)

Lost (def): not knowing where you are or how to get to where you want to go : unable to find your way.

 Greetings Reader if you are out there. I can't believe I'm blogging but then again, I can't believe a lot of things about my life. I am the living definition of LOST (courtesy of Merriam-Webster) and I figured I might as well invite anyone else that feels this way (or not) to join me on this bizarre journey. So, hi.

I'm still undecided as to how confessional I want this to be, so I'll just play it by ear. While I think sharing my woes could be helpful (if not entertaining), I tend to be a private person. Either way, my goal in writing this is to voice my inner turmoil with cathartic hope. And if that opens the door to healing for you, then count me blessed.

Another huge obstacle I am conquering is pride. Unabashedly spilling my life story is a lesson in humility for me. I would much rather everyone on Facebook think my life is perfect. But alas, it is FAR from it. So, why pretend? It's exhausting! Besides, deep down we ALL know that no one's life is perfect. So I will raise my hand, stand in front of the class, and with a red face and shaky hands, share my assignment with you.

Here goes. I am lost. Not "I just graduated from college lost" or "I'm not sure I want to stay in this (fill in the blank) lost". I am straight-up, not exaggerating, beyond comprehension L.O.S.T. Here is the rundown: I am almost 33, I am unemployed, single, I live with my mom, I'm struggling with my faith, and I have NO clue what I want to do with my life- let alone tomorrow. I spent the first 22 years of my life following a pretty simple plan: wake up, go to school, keep my nose clean. I followed that plan to a T. Then come June 2000-something of my 22nd year, the plan ended. I had a BA in Sociology which is like having a degree in Curling (the sport, not the hairstyle) and no clue what was next. So, like most college grads, I worked minimum wage jobs that had no relation to my educational degree and just enjoyed my young 20's because I could! At that age, the future is still this far-off fantasy thing that will come 'one day.' Well, that day has arrived and it looks NOTHING like I though it would! 

To be continued...

Thank you for reading :)